Caring for a loved one with dementia is a unique commitment. Many people are willing to make this commitment for a family member that they love. Sometimes, people find themselves challenged as caregivers, especially when the reality of being a caregiver does not line up with what they thought caregiving would be like. Caregivers are at risk for caregiver burnout when they become physically and mentally exhausted from their caregiving responsibilities. Examining your expectations about being a caregiver and setting goals are ways to reduce caregiving stress and avoid caregiver burnout.
People set different expectations for themselves. Generally speaking, expectations are a set of thoughts, behaviors, or actions that individuals anticipate when that individual imagines, assumes, or predicts how something will happen or how it is supposed to happen. What kind of expectations do you set for yourself? Do you tend to have high personal expectations focused on the belief that you will have a favorable outcome in a given situation? Or do you set low expectations, assuming that at least you will not be disappointed with the outcome. When it comes to caregiving these are more extreme views on expectations. Since your expectations about caregiving depend largely on the person you are caring for consider taking a more moderate approach to setting expectations. Personally, I have a gentler middle-of-the-road philosophy that I apply to my life as a caregiver and I want to share it with you. Here are my 5 simple steps that can help you examine your expectations, set realistic goals, and adjust them as necessary:
1. Start by clearly defining expectations in your life as a caregiver. You need to set expectations for the person you are caring for and for yourself. As their dementing illness progresses, you will have to re-examine and update your expectations. Consider this example, a husband caring for his wife took her outside for a walk every morning after breakfast. She enjoyed the exercise. As her disease progressed she began to get confused on the walk and argumentative when he would try to guide her back towards the house, she would insist on wandering even farther from home. The husband had to consider other ways to provide his wife the exercise she enjoyed - so he found activities to do indoors. She enjoyed doing chair yoga, so he replaced their daily walk with a chair yoga video routine that they would do each morning together in the family room.
2. Be sure that the expectations you have for yourself and your loved one with dementia are your own and not those of another family member. Your expectations should be aligned with your personal values. Not aligning your expectations and goals to your personal values may lead to feelings of guilt.
3. Set specific goals for both you and your loved one. If you are not meeting your goals, re-examine them and be kind to yourself if you are not meeting them. Decide what is important and reasonable now to focus on. Keep your goals realistic. They might look something like this: Each day Mom will get up in the morning and will get ready. She will take 2 showers a week with assistance. She will take her medications and supplements as prescribed daily. She will eat nutritious food daily. She will participate in two social activities that she enjoys each week.
4. As you set goals be sure that you include goals for your own health and personal life. Just like the goals for your loved one keep them realistic:
I will schedule 20 minutes a day to exercise my body or mind.
I will arrange for someone else to care for my Mom once a week so I can do something that I find enjoyable (go out to lunch with friends, go to a movie, play a game of tennis or a round of golf).
5. Do not compare yourself and your situation to others.
Remember - be aware of your thoughts; examine them and be sure they are accurate because your thoughts lead to your emotions. You don’t have to be perfect. You are doing a great job!
Stay patient. Stay kind. Give love.
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